There’s almost always a moment in a tense relationship that sounds like some version of this:
“You’re making this bigger than it is.” “You’re overreacting.” ‘Why are you making this a thing? Can’t you get over it?’
And beneath those words lies something much deeper than the disagreement itself. It’s the silent resignation and break that communicates, “What’s important to you isn’t important to me.”
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If you’ve been through this, you know how painful and frustrating it can be to be misunderstood or minimized in a relationship.
And if you’ve said these phrases to someone – as most of us have – you might argue that you didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You were just trying to resolve the situation and ignore the cause of the disconnect. But if you do this, you will miss something important and fundamental:
If it’s important to you, it’s important to me too.
It’s a sentence that sounds simple, but isn’t. In fact, it is one of the most challenging relational standards we can maintain, and one of the most transformative.
As a therapist, I have had a front-row seat to relationships in chaos, tumult, or end. And in those moments, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash of a one-time event, but the weight of many interactions that slowly broke the relationship and eroded the connection.
But this statement requires us to do something most of us have never learned, which is to prioritize what others experience over what we intended.
The gap between connection and rejection
Stephen Covey, author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” has popularized what many psychologists have long identified: a pattern of judging ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. It makes us say things like:
“I didn’t mean it like that.” “I was just trying to help.” “You should know I didn’t say that.”
While all of this may be true, it is also true that they do not solve the other person’s experience.
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When you look at research by noted psychiatrist Dan Siegel, professor at the UCLA School of Medicine, and others in the field of interpersonal neurobiology and attachment, there is a recurring pattern where relationships are shaped not by what we intended, but by what others have experienced. While our brains scan for things like safety, connection and alignment, they don’t take intention into account; rather, it asks whether those things are present or missing.
This means that many of our relationships are not defined by whether we meant well, but by how well it ended up.
Why it’s so challenging
Here’s the reality: If it were easy to take the “If it matters to you, it matters to me” approach, we would all do it and all our relationships would flourish. But that is not always the case. Not because we don’t want thriving relationships, but because adopting this attitude challenges our sense of control.
Jason VanRuler, MA, CSAT, is a psychotherapist, author of “Discovering Your Communication Type,” and a nationally recognized speaker specializing in communication, attachment, and relationships. (Zondervan)
Adopting this mentality means putting aside your intentions and experiences and instead entering the inner world of someone else. It also means not choosing whether something is important to someone, but instead recognizing that it is. This is a profound gift, and one that some have never received for themselves. And that’s uncomfortable territory for many of us.
However, as author and strategist Robert Greene has noted in his writing, much of the power in human dynamics comes from understanding rather than manipulating or controlling the perceptions of others. In a relationship where understanding is the priority, the person who can hear and respond to the other party’s feelings and emotional reality has a much deeper influence based on trust.
The cost of choosing intentions over experience
As a therapist, I have had a front-row seat to relationships in chaos, tumult, or end. And in those moments, what forced the end of the relationship was not the whiplash of a one-time event, but the weight of many interactions that slowly broke the relationship and eroded the connection.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how different we are. (iStock)
Over time, stories and stories emerge that sound like:
“I don’t think it matters to you.” “I don’t think you understand or see me.” “I’m not being heard.”
The costs of these feelings add up. Ultimately, people who don’t feel like they have a voice or matter in a relationship tend to protect and guard themselves instead of leaning in and being vulnerable. And over time, those seemingly small fractures create a chasm too big for the relationship to bridge.
How to practice this
Following this practice does not mean agreeing with everything or abandoning yourself. Instead, it’s quite the opposite. It means starting with connection in mind rather than correction. This looks like acknowledging and offering compassion and grace before endorsing your opinion or questioning someone else’s.
It seems like you slow down enough – and be present enough – to meet someone where he or she is, before telling him or her to meet you.
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It seems that you know your partner’s communication type as well as your own. Once you understand how to communicate better, it’s easier to be honest about what matters to you.
Everyone longs to be seen, heard and understood, but we all walk a different path. We often don’t realize that a disconnect is not always personal; it has a pattern.
We lose each other along the way, not because we don’t care, but because we don’t see how different we are.
I was inspired to write”Discover your communication type“Because I saw time and time again with my clients that communication is not one-size-fits-all.
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We are all on a different path. But the good news is that there is a way forward with greater connection.
When you say, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me,” you’re not just improving a relationship, you’re laying the foundation for better communication and a deeper connection.
