My friend recently told me that her favorite Valentine’s Day was in second grade a few decades ago, when her playground crush called to say he loved her.
“It all went downhill from there,” she joked.
Another friend said her most cherished memory was when her fifth-grade love interest bought her a bracelet. “And nothing positive since,” she jokingly told us during the same conversation.
While Valentine’s Day can be a meaningful reminder of celebrating a cherished romantic relationship — even beyond grade school — it can also come with anxiety, obligation, and the disappointment of unrealistic expectations.
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A male friend once told me that he refuses to celebrate Valentine’s Day because he hates being told by a calendar when to be thoughtful. Instead, he programs his phone to remind him to buy flowers for his wife every 45 days. He admits the irony without hesitation, but insists it is different because his wife knows nothing about the warnings and is genuinely surprised every time.
Maybe he’s on to something. If his wife is genuinely surprised – and actually enjoys flowers – research suggests that the unexpected treat triggers a stronger dopamine response. However, husbands and boyfriends are often caught in the delicate balance between the joy of surprise and the risk of disappointment when flowers or gifts are expected and don’t appear.
The frigid Valentine’s Day holiday in the dead of winter provides a perfect excuse to pick up the phone and tell friends how much they matter. (iStock)
On the other hand, people who aren’t in a romantic relationship may dread Heart and Candy Day, when the supermarket aisles are awash in pink and red chaos, because it’s a not-so-subtle reminder of their singleness — and, for some, a pang of loneliness.
But there is hope. Celebrating Valentine’s Day – or any festive occasion – with good friends can boost your well-being and even extend your lifespan. In an article last month by oncologist and former Obama White House Special Advisor for Health Policy Ezekiel Emanuel argued that close friendships are the key to living longer. Citing the Health and Retirement Study, he noted that people with the most close friends – an average of 7.8 – had a 17% lower risk of depression and a 24% lower risk of death than people with fewer close friends, who had an average of just 1.6.
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When I was in high school, my father told me that I would be lucky to have five real friends over the course of my life. I thought he was completely crazy and assured him I had dozens of them. Now it turns out that he was not pessimistic. He was practically calculating lifespan. Five may be less than 7.8, but it’s close enough to be medically reassuring.
Let Valentine’s Day be a reminder to pay attention to the people who show up again and again, the friends who make us laugh until our sides ache, who know our embarrassing stories and who stick around long after the candy is gone. (iStock)
One of my favorite memories is celebrating Valentine’s Day with good college friends a few years before I got married. We went out to dinner, where we very publicly opened unexpected – and absolutely humiliating – presents from my boyfriend, who would later become my maid of honor. Then we danced like fools until the club kicked us out. By the time we got home, my sides were sore from laughing so hard that I thought I was going to cry. I’d like to think we can cherish that kind of happiness and benefit from it during the more boring phases of life.
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I can’t imagine my husband, father, or brother leaving their, ahem, better halves to go out for dinner and dancing with their friends on Valentine’s Day. Still, the frigid Hallmark midwinter holidays provide a perfect excuse to pick up the phone and tell friends how much they matter.
Maybe that’s the real gift Valentine’s Day has to offer—not roses on demand or perfectly timed romance, but a reminder to pay attention to the people who show up again and again, the friends who make us laugh until our sides ache, who know our embarrassing stories and who stick around long after the candy is gone.
Romantic love can come with pressure and high expectations, but friendship – including the kind of love we share with our spouses – has the ability to surprise us quietly, reliably, and throughout life.
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