Sadness is an emotion that we often associate with disintegration, loss of jobs or death. But it does not only appear when catastrophe strikes. As psychotherapists and parent trainers, we know that sadness is also a natural part of parenting-especially during the back-to-school season.
Last week a colleague shared a conversation they had with a friend. “I cried when I brought my child back to the university,” admitted the friend. Our colleague replied: “Come on! Isn’t that a bit much? Come over it!”
This exchange shows how sadness is often misunderstood. Society says we “push it aside” or “ignore it.” Many of us grew up with the belief that sadness burden others or signal depression. Men in particular are often learned that expressing sorrow is a sign of weakness. In short, we are embarrassed because we feel sad.
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But sadness is not a mistake or a problem to solve. It is a universal emotion and learning to work, benefits both your physical and mental health. Research shows that processing sadness can protect your heart and reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression.
When we call and honor grief, we can ‘feel and act’. This emotional consciousness enables us to take adaptive actions that support both ourselves and our families.
Here is a step -by -step manual that we share with parents about recognizing, validating and using sorrow.
Step 1: Understand the purpose of sorrow
Sadness is a congenital biological response to loss – that’s why so many parents experience it. This emotion can arise during every transition: the first day of your child of kindergarten, kindergarten or high school; When a teenager withdraws to his room instead of spending time with the family; Or when an adult child leaves home forever.
Sadness is not a mistake or a problem that needs to be solved. It is a universal emotion and learning to work, benefits both your physical and mental health.
When sadness is criticized or discouraged in childhood, we learn to block it with fear, feelings of guilt or shame – “inhibiting emotions” that prevent us from even realizing that we are sad. Cut off this essential feeling, we often rely on “protective defenses” to prevent pain. These can look like understanding our children, drinking too much, isolating ourselves or does not set limits.
Step 2: Use the Change Triangle
A useful tool for navigating sorrow is the Change triangle. Originally developed by David Malan for psychotherapists and later adapted for general use, it serves as an emotional compass.
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We are all disconnected from ceremotions such as sadness. When this happens, we often get stuck in defense or inhibiting emotions such as guilt, shame and fear. The Change Triangle helps us to restore us to our ceremony, so that we can release their energy and return to a calmer state.
Sadness is a congenital biological response to loss – that’s why so many parents experience it. This emotion can arise during every transition: the first day of your child of kindergarten, kindergarten or high school. (Istock)
Step 3: Practice four steps to validate and release sadness
Think of something that arouses sadness – perhaps the end of the summer, the loss of family time for the social life of teenagers, or the transition to an ’empty nest’. Then try these four steps:
1. Become friends with your grief by mentioning it
Non -recognized emotions can cause physical symptoms such as headache or abdominal pain, as well as emotional need such as anxiety or anger. Just call the feeling – “I feel sad” – calm the brain. Research into “affect labeling” shows that this practice soothes the limbic system, reducing the emotional intensity.
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2. Note it in your body
Sadness often appears as gravity, a painful heart or slowness. Become an “emotional astronomer” and observe how it feels in your body. Deep belly breathing can help you ride the entire wave of emotion.
3. Explore the impulse of sadness
Sadness can bring an urge to cry, curl or find comfort. Ask yourself: If my tears could speak, what would they say? Parents often answer statements such as: “I miss unstructured time with my children”, or “I am sad that my child doesn’t need me much anymore.” These impulses are organic, no signs of weakness.
Sadness often appears as gravity, a painful heart or slowness. Become an “emotional astronomer” and observe how it feels in your body. (Istock)
4. Make good use of your grief
Once you have recognized the feeling, ask: Can I honor what sadness wants me to do?
For example, if you miss calls from your college-bound child, recognize the emotion and remind yourself that it is temporary. If your school -going child no longer sniffs, lean on your partner or a friend for comfort. If you do this, you can unintentionally harm your child with statements such as: “You don’t want to spend time with me anymore” or “You grow up too quickly – it makes me depressed.”
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When we call and honor grief, we can ‘feel and act’. This emotional consciousness enables us to take adaptive actions that support both ourselves and our families.
Last thought
Sadness is not something to escape. It is a signal, a teacher and a tool for connection. By learning to work with it, we promote resilience, strengthen relationships and model a healthy emotional expression for our children.
July Fraga, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist, educator and co-author of “Parents also have feelings. “
