We were at the Tiffany & Co. flagship. in Manhattan and enjoying brunch when I heard (and felt) it. My five-month-old son had just blown through his diaper, which promptly began to empty onto the marble floors of Tiffany. There was only one bathroom, and it was all the way across the street from the store. How was I going to get it there without making an even bigger mess? Don’t know. I think I blacked out.
As traumatized as I was at the time, the infamous “Blowout at Tiffany’s” is now one of my favorite memories and stories, in part because it sums up my experiences as a young mother thus far: Every challenge I’ve had raising and caring for this little life ultimately brings far more joy than it steals – many times over.
That’s something I wish more young women my age knew about motherhood.
As things stand now, young women of my generation, Generation Z, are the least likely group in the US to say they want marriage and children, according to a new report from Independent Women released last month. That is a shocking demographic shift with profound consequences for our politics and culture. And it even sets young women apart from their male counterparts in Generation Z, who, according to polls, are much more open to starting a family.
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The most common reasons these women give for their shift in priorities are career implications and financial pressures, according to the Independent Women report. But from the many conversations I’ve had with my own friends on this topic, I’ve come to the conclusion that these concerns—as understandable as they may be—are in fact just superficial excuses that mask the real reason why many young women want to delay motherhood or give up on it altogether: they fear that the inconveniences and sacrifices of motherhood are a challenge that simply isn’t worth it.
This is the message missing from our culture today: the discomfort and challenges that children bring are the very things that make motherhood so great.
This mentality is all over our social media feeds, where the DINK (short for “dual income, no kids”) lifestyle is glorified and where mommy bloggers and influencers who do have kids often just post about the difficulties of parenting to “keep things real.” Some have even labeled their content as a “free birth control ad.”
Raising a baby requires presence above all else. It requires attention, focus, time and energy like no other job. (iStock)
Or consider this article from New York magazine’s The Cut, headlined, “I Regret Having Kids,” in which one mother complains that having a baby is “hell,” and another mother says wryly, “I gave up everything I loved about my life to fit children into it.”
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Unfortunately, young women like me are inundated with this constant stream of negativity, especially online. In fact, I hadn’t realized how much this was impacting my own expectations of motherhood until a few weeks after bringing my newborn home, I realized that the so-called “trenches” I had feared were a lot more like the glory I had dreamed of.
Of course, motherhood has its moments. It’s not all cuddles and little baby feet. It’s also blowouts, sleep regressions, and teething — all of which test your limits, only to leave you with much more grace, patience, and caffeine dependence than before.
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And that’s the message missing from our culture today: the discomfort and challenges that children bring are the very things that make motherhood so wonderful.
A few weeks after I brought my newborn home, I realized that the so-called “trenches” I feared were a lot more like the glory I had dreamed of.
Especially for my generation, looking at motherhood this way requires a complete mental reset. As Gen Zers, we’ve become accustomed to having our every inconvenience addressed almost immediately. But cherishing a little life isn’t something you can click and swipe through. On the contrary: raising a baby requires presence above all. It requires attention, focus, time and energy like no other job. You will be needed in ways you have never been needed before, and you will have to pour yourself out over and over again to meet those needs. And it will leave you feeling more fulfilled than ever before.
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It’s just that it’s a really good thing to spend less time on ourselves. This is not to say that young women should let their children become tyrants who live their lives to be good mothers. But in many cases, it seems that young women have become so concerned about losing their lives to motherhood that they have stopped living. They’ve settled for a stagnant but comfortable version—one that includes a full night’s sleep, one to two vacations a year, and no child care worries—instead of pursuing what we came here to do: growth.
I know what my choice is, and I couldn’t be happier with it.
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